and i played along with you

2011-10-10T21:53:00.002+08:00

Hello my solace.

These past six months, I watched my life played like a movie put on fast forward – so many things going on, so little I could make out. The thought of always having to run ahead of myself terrifies me. But he never showed me the stop sign, nor did he ask to slow down. Run if you must run, just don’t fall. Because he said if I should fall, there must be something that I did wrong along the way.

So I found myself sprinting laps after laps again and realise i have been chasing nothing all along.

2011-01-18T20:53:00.003+08:00

Going Home, But Where is Home?

I remember the urge to smoke, the call of freedom, the fights I had with mom, the long for peace and the need to immerse myself in work to forget my life. I left the home which never felt like home. I ran and escaped to this place where being ungrateful does not matter. Where the wrongs you made doesn’t matter. Where being alone finally does not matter. I remember the nights spent in hotels, not wanting to go home. To the frail old man that is wasting his life, to the loud, angry woman that doesn’t know what to do with him. They are the constant reminder of the guilt that never leaves me.

Now, i’m packing up the life here I know so well – four suitcases max, heading back. The cab will soon stop, and there will be someone standing at the door, yearning for my presence for the very first time. He will wait for me with arms wide open, welcoming me home.

He is my home.

2010-06-08T18:12:00.001+08:00

You know you're fat when...

2010-05-24T18:23:00.003+08:00

Randomness

Everytime he called and say, “Please sleep early tonight,” I was quick to promise, “Yes I will,” an honest reply, no doubt. But I break that promise every night. It has been 10 months now.

The room is in a mess, again. God knows how many times I’ve cleaned and tidied it, but it still manages to just conveniently slip back into its very natural form – messy, like in just three days without me realising it.

I applaud myself sometimes for the darnest things that I do. Like waking up half an hour late for work and still adamant about scrubbing the bathroom tiles. Smoked a cigarette and read a book. My priorities in life must have all been jumbled up.

He makes me so happy like this, as random as this post.

2010-04-22T16:45:00.002+08:00

Her Schedule

6th May - Go down afterwork so my baby can see me
7th May - vroom vroom to Penang with baby (~~must not fall asleep in car…~~ nvm, just remembered we are taking bus)
8th May - BBQ with baby and gang (must not stand anywhere near food and must act like a princess in front of his frens so they don't think I'm actually a glutton)
9th May - vroom vroom back home (~~Must not fall asleep in car to keep baby company~~ Mom will keep baby company)
10th May - seduce baby whole day and be lazy

29th May - Bro's sudden wedding.
30th May - Baby picking me up so he can see me the whole day
~~1 June~~ 31 May - Back to hell…and miss my baby for the rest of the week

His schedule

Please see amendments to schedule as per below.

6th May
Go down after work. Rendezvous in Bandar Utama and take night bus (tentatively 10:30pm) to Penang. Jason to assist with drop off at Duta Bus Station
7th May
Expected arrival in Sungai Nibong bus station at 3am and home by 3:15am. Sleep by 3:30am.
Lunch @ Penang's famous Asam Laksa shop
Sightseeing
Dinner @ home (Mom's SUPER YUMMY cooking)

8th May
Free & Easy
BRG & Family BBQ Party

9th May
Departure back to KL after early lunch. Baby to keep me company cause Mom needs as much rest as possible. (Hopefully, Baby will not be lazy and try to stay awake)

10th May - Free & Easy

28th May
Cancel plans to go outstation (tentatively Melaka) for the long weekend. Further plans TBA.

29th May
Don't know what to do(YET)

30th May
Pick up Baby and go jalan-jalan (IF my Baby doesn't feel too lazy)

31st May
Keep busy so I won't miss my Baby

"By the way, please do not be so dramatic and cry on the floor. I did reply you...via sms."

2010-04-14T17:34:00.002+08:00

Hello, Stranger

I remember I woke up this morning with something to write about. I forgot the exact words.

There are so many things I’m trying to remember now. I’m trying to remember my state of mine a year ago, before You; trying to remember nine months ago, before Love. I’m trying to remember how I felt before, how you felt before, only to realise that we can never return to the same state of mind, the heart forgets.

And I’m trying to remember what I’ve said or done that had resulted this. If only I remember again that you were part of this, the cause of my frustration, then at least I won’t be left with nothing tonight except all the wrong.

I am up sleepless because of the rules you set that allow you to sleep easy at night. I am not sure how you do it, but i don't believe in saying the three letter words in anger.

Bring on the silence, if you must. I'll wait it out like how i've done a millionth times.

2010-04-08T13:20:00.003+08:00

The boyfriend went away to Penang for just five days and came home with a realization. He said we need to discuss about OUR future, so i asked shamelessly if he's proposing. And he fainted.

Don't get me wrong, i don't fancy the idea of getting married yet because the thought of a baby coming out from where you pee is just fucking horrifying.

The girlfriend called to show her concern for my bruised leg. Typical girly talk will include “hey babes, how are you dear, take care dear” u know. But I am deprived of this mushy girl talk cos mine goes like this:

Bbf: You pokai ah?? Wahaha
Me: Oh, yes.

But i get mushy msgs from the love of my life all the time. All the time :)

Will always try my very best to keep at least one hand free cause it is essential that I hold your hand.

2010-03-24T06:43:00.000+08:00

My lady boss. My fucking lady boss.

Every fucking time.

2010-03-17T18:11:00.000+08:00

I like to play

I was walking to the pantry to get my cutleries washed when I spotted Denise's dice mug near the sink and she was in the toilet. I promptly ran back to the office, grabbed a post-it note and scribbled "Cup for sales". I then ran out to the pantry stick it on her mug, quickly washed my Hello Kitty spoon and chopsticks and ran back to the office, all these while giggling like cuckoo. I sat down and pretended to be concentrating on my SOP, but found it very hard to suppress my laughter when I heard loud laughters outisde the pantry.

Denise came in and asked me in amusement, "How the hell did you come up with all these pranks?"

I really don't know how, but i like to play.

2010-02-27T20:20:00.003+08:00

You know how fatfuck can sing so bloody well?
Well, i'm reaching there soon.

Why don't you do something?

So, i'll miss Tanya around.

Funny how i dislike her so much when she first joined. I did say i tend to misjudge ppl didn't i? I like her alot now, for her courage to say things that many of us won't dare to say in a million years, for her simplicity towards life.

PPl around me are coming and going and i realised i'm the only thing that is constant in this busy world.

I'll miss having her. But as usual, i will not show it.

2010-02-07T11:20:00.000+08:00

Ramblings of the lost

So here I am again, sleepless, tortured. Tortured by my own doing, like always. I’m wrong about a lot of things, even though I throw the nastiest tantrums to argue that I am anything but. I’m wrong about the trivial things, like his or his or her birthday, I’m also wrong about the big things, like how I tend to misjudge people, about life, about love. But I always prayed that I would get at least one thing right.

All these times, I blame everyone but myself when life gets hard. Just yesterday, Mom refused to swap bus ticket with me eventhough she was holding the earliest one and me an hour later. It didn’t matter that her selfish gesture would mean me getting to office late. It also didn’t matter that she hurt me most when she said “that would be your own problem, sort it out yourself.” It really didn’t matter when it comes to my family – we are all selfish anyway. Especially me.

When I really thought about it, she actually had every right to treat me like a piece of shit, because I never gave a damn about her, or my dad. I love them, but I shy away from being emotionally attached. I want to care for them, but I don’t know how. I want to talk to them, but I don’t want them to ask too much questions. I want to go home, but I don’t want to lose my freedom. I want to do things that make me happiest and share with them, but I don’t want them to object. It comes to a point that I sometimes don’t know how to face my parents and family anymore that I just bail. So when I turn to them for help, they didn’t because I had always liked it that way.

The only person that I am capable of loving more than myself is him. Yet that seems inadequate. I didn’t say a lot, I can’t. So when that dreaded time comes, I will explode. And he will fall out of love with me, and I will accept without any qualms.

He will fall out of love with me, and I will be fine.

2010-01-19T19:44:00.001+08:00

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

To love is to be vulnerable.
-CS Lewis-

2010-01-12T20:15:00.006+08:00

My Pink Notebook

It is the sweetest pink with rainbow-coloured embroidery.
Happy flowers and cute buttons.

But I dirtied it when I wrote my name on it with a silver marker pen.
It is now stained with a dirty grey - the name, sadly, not readable anymore.

The reason why i heart this pink notebook is because it is not just a pink notebook.
IT IS A MAGIC PINK NOTEBOOK. (I am excited at this point)

It miraculously keeps me in check and organised.
It allows me to be efficient.
It grants me a sense of accomplishment. All the time.

I love my pink notebook and i want to write on it everyday.

P/s: This is written by a 28-year old ~~girl~~, ~~woman~~, ~~lady~~ (oh f*ck it, what am I) with the mentality of a 3-year old.

2010-01-10T15:40:00.002+08:00

This song hits right home.

Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted?
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

2009-12-22T19:52:00.001+08:00

Lazy Lover

It is the waking mornings that I love the most – head on chest, ear on heart. The random lazy kisses, the slow start to the mornings we share. The way our hands find the other to hold, his hands stroke my hair and murmurs in half sleep “Come here Baby” and gently wraps me in his arms and lulls me back to sleep again.

There is a comfort I find in him that I have never felt with anybody else. He is someone I cannot lie to, someone I lean on, someone who is incredibly honest and righteous in life, someone who shares my humour and my misery, someone who is my pillar and my shield, someone who is my equal and the other half of myself.

I learnt more about him from the past one week spent with him. He showed me his world and shared it with me. I find myself falling back in love with him all over again like a giddy teen.

I told him the other night that he is the life of a party, the joy of his family. How he made things more enjoyable and fun when I was so close to plucking my hair out with both hands just because his friends were the most boring people on earth. He made his mom squealed like the Ribena berry at the airport because his mom was depressed going away for over a month. And put his mom on secure wrap to ensure she arrives safely. Then kung-fu fight with his mom when she tried to shove him money.

Last night, he squeezed half his body into his laundry basket and said “Hey baby, the things I do to amuse you.”

To love someone more each day.

I don’t actually know what it quite means but now I know.

2009-11-12T18:20:00.002+08:00

Letters

Dear Baby,

Appreciate if you could list down 20 things that you'd like to receive as your birthday present. Something that i can afford

I will randomly choose one from the list. Please revert by 13th Nov

Thank you

Rgds,
HN

******************

Dear Baby,

I believe you are in the midst of coming out with your list and i got a feeling that that will not be acceptable as those are done on a daily basis and not just on your birthday

Please reconsider seriously again and give me a fresh list.

Thank you

Rgds,
Somewhat-annoyed HN

*********************
Dear Sweet Lips,

With reference to the aforementioned subject, please be informed that I will not be able to meet your request due to reasons that I have earlier stated. Plus, this is not Christmas where we have a wish list in place well in advance. I am a firm believer that birthday presents should certainly be a surprise...unless it involves anything pink or cute per se. The exception only applies to these two categories which by no possible means, should ever reach the hands or possession of myself at any given time.

Please accept my sincere apologies for not being able to assist you in this matter. I have tried to my level best to think of something but all I draw is a blank. I wish you all the best in achieving your desired target. Let it be known that your efforts are being duly noted. The display of affection through the kind and sincere intentions of your good self are very much appreciated.

Thank you. Please come again.

XOXO
Grizzly "Bengisaurus" Bear

2009-10-23T18:25:00.003+08:00

Don't kill it

It's frustrating that you know what is happening, but yet all you can do is just sit here not able to do anything to stop it. And i don't know why i still bother to give my heart cos i know very well it's gonna end soon. My future plans, no more. And its fate, ironically, is now in the hands of the love of my life.

2009-10-08T18:00:00.001+08:00

Asmodeus says: handsome? how long you know him? how you know him?

I say: -_- stop it ler,ur acting as jealous boyfriend tak jadi

Asmodeus says: where you know him? why you know him? ANSWER ME!!!!!

I say: u are not looking for answers also...saja wanna kacau me.

Asmodeus says: what if i am?

Asmodeus says: what if i am the jealous bf type?

Asmodeus says: what if I feel insecure coz my Baby's so beautiful and sexy?

Asmodeus says: what if I feel insecure coz my Baby's got a million dollar personality that can make anyone smile?

Asmodeus says: what if i'm insecure coz i know there are many out there that wants to love you like I do?

Asmodeus says: what if i'm just jealous that he gets to see your beautiful face, hear your angelic voice, look at your sexy figure, get enchanted by your smile, laugh at your jokes...but I can't?

I say: hahahahahahahahahahhahahaaha *rolled off chair and died*

God, i love this boy.

2009-09-06T14:08:00.002+08:00

Chasing rainbows

Year of the Ox is bad for the Dogs.

I read Lilian Too’s prediction and she said it’s a year for the Dog to swallow injustices, conserve the energy to fight another day. I guess that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 8 months or so. At times like this, I do what I do best and escape to my own fantasy world where I cast magic and colour grey skies. I'll lie back on an endless meadow with purple-coloured picket fence admiring the beauty that the wand in my hand has created.

Pardon me, but I like to look at the world from this beautiful angle.

Perhaps that’s why I’ll never grow old and wise to be able to cope with what life in reality is throwing at me right now. I’m almost certain that I don’t belong here. I keep sliding off this corporate ladder and I’m seriously tired and I don’t know how to gain my pace again.

The boyfriend gave up his sleep last night to assure me of my true worth. I didn’t believe him but I know how he gets upset when I’m upset so I pretended that I was ok. I guess he too needed to assure himself that the person he has fallen head over heels to is not a loser. Because, in his own words, he will never fall for someone like that. I’m afraid I am.

I'll never be able to reach the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

2009-08-29T16:56:00.002+08:00

I am someone who steals tissue box from the colleague next to my cubicle because i am just too lazy to walk all the way to the store room(let's see 10 steps to get there, which means 20 steps altogether to and fro) for a new box.

To make things worse, my boss has just asked our clerk to lock up the door cos stationery cost went up to 40K in the last 7 months so it makes it even more difficult to take that 10 steps, get the key, unlock door, lock door again, return key and take another 10 steps back to my desk.

I have decided that my colleague will have to just bear with me for as long as she's still sitting beside me. (i know, sometimes i am annoyed by myself too)

P/s: She keeps extra, dun worry.

2009-08-26T11:44:00.002+08:00

The Future

I was once very afraid of the Future. I live my life in the now with no plans, no vision, no dreams, just here and now and I actually thought I was happy. True in a way, because of my carefree spirit, I have not a single care for the world. Just me in my own silly little world, like how my boss keeps putting it these days.

I think I’m tired of my comfort zone. It suddenly gets prickly and I am looking out for the emergency exit. There are talks about opening up a boutique with friends, a café, a little dessert bar, whatever, they all sounded tempting but still I am sitting here not budging.

See I was very comfortable being on my own; I loved this freedom I have. None ever made me want to wholeheartedly trade this freedom with them. I was too afraid to love, too afraid to piece shattered hearts again.

A month ago, someone came into my life. Someone that I now realise that I could and I would wholeheartedly trade my freedom with and share with him my own silly world. Letting him into my life this much means I am taking risk again and I could love again, completely. Last night, we were just lying on his bed and he started to talk about the Future. I never do believe in such things but he painted a pretty picture of the Future, so pretty that I want to be in it. He described how our house will be; a Gazebo in the garden where we can have a beer and chill, a complete kitchen cause he knows how I love to cook or at least attempt to, floor to ceiling bookshelves for His and Her books and in the middle for Ours and cookbooks. There will be plenty of surprise weekend getaways, coffee served to me on bed, an attempt to wake me up, oh and he talked about a Phantom of the Opera themed wedding and dear God, having baby Tristan and Lilith (Princess of Darkness). Why that made me smile is beyond me because I am terrified of giving birth. Maybe now I was. I don’t know, but for once I am not afraid of the Future. For once I think I’m looking forward to it, to painting this picture and making it real.

Will you be happy for me?

2009-08-02T18:51:00.002+08:00

I've tried hard, but maybe just not hard enough.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

2009-07-27T12:03:00.000+08:00

I'm tired of playing pretend.

Maybe i just wanna fall in love,
for real,
this time.

2009-07-23T13:44:00.003+08:00

Goodbye Alice in Wonderland

Fame is filled with spoiled children
And we grow fat on fantasy
I guess that’s why I’m leaving
I crave reality

There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
I did not find paradise
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
What’s been missing in my life

Yes the heart can hallucinate
When it’s completely starved for love
It can even turn monsters into angels from above

Growing up is not an absence of dreaming
It’s being able to understand the difference between
The ones you can hold and the ones that you’ve been sold

And dreaming is a good thing 'cause it brings new things to life
But pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are seeing for what you’ve been told

Truth is stranger than fiction
And this is my chance to get it right
And life is much better
Without all of those pretty lies

2009-07-07T22:58:00.003+08:00

I think i have just cried.

I think,
finally all these years, my Dad had broken my heart.

2009-06-10T17:14:00.002+08:00

Unleashing the inner demons

It is sometimes scary to think that some ppl have been living with demons in them. It's not so much of the anger, but that presence of evil that is capable of being violent that shrouds the being.

And now, they want to get out.

2009-05-21T11:45:00.003+08:00

A conversation with my 30 years old brother

Mark: U masuk blog la (provided link)
Me: Finally finally
Mark: go comment sumthin la. i jz talked bad bout u, but (Sylvia) have not approved to put it up yet hehe. u wait la

super childish can vomit blood.

Today' To Do List
~~1. Email Ng from The Star~~
~~2. Call Ruddin~~
3. Golf Course write-up
4. Check Sylvia's blog (for MarkyMark's comments)

2009-05-19T15:16:00.003+08:00

If I am lost for a day
try to find me
but if I don't come back then I won't look behind me
and all of the things that I thought were so easy
just got harder and harder each day

I dreamt I was dying as I so often do
and when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window
threw my head to the sky
and said whoever is up there
please don't let me die
but I can't live forever
I can't always be
one day i'll be sand on a beach by the sea
the pages keep turning
I mark off each day with a cross
and I'll laugh about all that we've lost

I will be fine.

2009-05-04T13:11:00.002+08:00

Came back after my long leave, now i'm one confused and disorientated woman. I don't know where to pick up from where i left off, not know how to work anymore. I'm feeling really pissed right now. So pissed that I want to rip off the gigantic purple orchids sitting stupidly in front of me with no purpose served but an obstruction of view.

They irk you, don't they?

2009-04-03T17:06:00.000+08:00

A fairytale nonetheless

I've just read through the old stuff that i wrote and couldn't seem to understand how i felt so much then. Because things obviously got better now that i feel like i am able to forget what i've felt so strongly before. Although I would really like to use the word so much better but just to be on the safe side, better would be quite enough for now.

If i disregard the times that i have felt a little scared, I'm actually feeling pretty good right now.

2009-03-27T00:28:00.002+08:00

Been so busy.

There was the start of the Flora and Fauna Photography Competition

And then there was the unplanned launch for it.

Now i have 20 articles due in like in less than 5 days?

And my boss is screaming cos i'm taking long leave, when i was really forced to take by my lady boss. My leaves and off days are haywired and so is my job.

No one really appreciate what you have done and the hard work you have put in. Why bother?

I need sanity, i need some peace man. And the little amount of peace i can have after all these mad rush of work was tainted with blames and you-are-so-incompents.

God..i need rest. If they don't promote me end of this year, i am quitting.

2009-01-24T15:11:00.002+08:00

For someone who has 14 articles to submit in two days time (first day of CNY!), i am actually pretty relaxed. Shoot me.

My New Year Resolution

1. No more late nights, sleep by Cinderella time
2. Punctual to work (It's still a mystery why everyone can but i can't)
3. Learn to design
4. Learn to cook
5. Exercise (aarrghh)

Random thoughts at the moment, i want to buy a TV and a super light laptop

Ok bye.

2008-12-30T20:50:00.002+08:00

Am contemplating to be a full-time housewife. Is it much harder than what i am doing right now? Aaarrgghhh.

And i wanna wear Cheongsam this CNY but cannot. Body not cooperating. wtf.

3 January (Yes, i have a sizzling hot date, have to fight for leave sumore.)
My temporary bliss.
Calls are not allowed.
Thank you

2008-12-28T22:00:00.003+08:00

Mom called this noon, sounded almost like a little girl who knew she had done something wrong and was about to confess. The first thing she asked was if i am free. I asked why, naturally. She then asked if the clinic here is ok. That got me a little worried and i asked why again, naturally. And she said in a small voice that pained my heart " I fell down"

Accompanied her to the clinic and then sent her down to the hospital - dislocated her shoulder and minor fracture. Gosh, she was in such pain i almost cried, in fact i did, but of course not in front of her. Anyway, i was so scared as the ambulance kept bumping and jerking all the way down that made it even more painful for mom. Thank God, Dad and bro were there waiting cause i felt so lost and like i didn't know who to talk to.

The worst part was my uncle/aunt/cousin sister who DROVE UP here refused to accompany my mom saying "HA?I just came up wor"My cousin sis lagi best. Say she will drive my mom down once she has finished playing at the theme park. Can go fuck themselves.

Had a loooong day. Back with a headache but still in office clearing customer's feedback. My life's pathetic.

Sometimes i wish i was a better daughter, and have spent more time with them and fucking learn how to cook so i can cook for her now that her right arm is hmm..disabled. I hope my mom recovers soon.

P/s: My uncle just bought his daughter a Chanel bag wthat costs RM11,000. Wtf.

2008-12-12T14:10:00.002+08:00

Why self-destruction sometimes seems appealing

"In everybody’s life there’s a point of no return
And in a few cases, a point where you can’t go forward anymore.
And when we reach that point,
All we can do is quietly accept the fact.
That’s how we survive"

I’ve accepted the peace of being alone, but contradictingly, i still dread returning to a cold empty room. Which sometimes make me wonder if I am living a life or living a lie?

I gathered it’s easier for me to have a careless disregard about life at this stage because caring is too painful when you don’t even know what is in store. Heart breaks, breaking hearts, pushing people away, getting too close and getting pushed away.
All too familiar.

2008-11-26T16:31:00.003+08:00

"I saw someone who is homely
I saw someone that's beautiful and intelligent
I saw someone with innocence of a child
I saw someone that is special

I admire the way she sits in a corner and enjoyed a book
I admire the way she stood for her rights
I admire her resourcefulness
I admire her for the child in her"

You are beautiful. I am lost for words.
Truly am.

2008-11-23T11:57:00.002+08:00

Someone said this to me just a few days ago,

"Recently as I was watching 'Georgia Rules' on HBO starring Lindsay Lohan, somehow she reminds me so much of you, bright, smart, rebellious, non conforming and misunderstood"

and i thought those were the most beautiful words ever used to describe me.

2008-11-11T12:26:00.002+08:00

I love to read and write since little. I knew I read too much of Enid Blyton whenI found myself squinting my eyes in the dark looking for faint sparkles that i thought were fairies and then talked to them endlessly. I had imaginary friends and i pretended my dolls would come alive in the dark and i also talked to them endlessly.

As i grow older, i stopped talking to them, I talked to my diary instead.

I guess i always have a great desire in me to write. This blog is my private space (not so private anymore,damn), for me to just put my thoughts uneloquently into words, to vent my anger and frustration. I do not intend to share, because i am always a happy person to most of my friends, but somehow my blog is just so sad most of the times and happy moments are forgotten. I write for myself, not for others. I don't see why i have to please ppl if this is my own space and likewise they should not complain that my blog is boring.

Ah, digressing. Lately, i've lost direction, yet again.

I do not deny that i had not question the only passion of my life.
Neither do I deny the fact that i had not felt dejected when they said, so what if you can write well.
I know of someone who got promoted due to hardwork although command of english is just horrible. I felt even more dejected knowing that and knowing that the only thing i know how doesn't even matter that much.

And then i saw this:
" I am an avid reader of Berita Genting as i find it very informative and enjoyable. Whenever we go up to Genting for the concert shows,i always look forward to reading it in my room and taking a copy back home. I have the March/April,May/June and Sept./October issues in my collection. In order not to miss a copy in future,is it possible to post to me a copy in future."

I would have hugged and kissed him real hard if he had said it to my face because he reminded me again of my purpose, my role. And i will not let anyone get in the way between me and my passion again. I will continue to promote, educate if not change people's mindset of the resort that it is a city of entertainment and not city of sins. Casino people are sinful. I don't write about those stuff in the magazine, i love the idea to not include them in. This is such a beautiful place that i've grown to love. I always wonder if i'll ever leave. "The girl with the Carlsberg can is leaving" hah.

I felt better having talked to my boss, and i know the path i need to tread on now. It will be hard, but i need to regain whatever i've lost and today is a good start. I woke up at 7am (never in my 3 years here before) washed my clothes, swept the floor, showered, had coffee, read magazine. Amazing how many things you can do when you start your day early. WHY THE HELL DID I NOT REALISE MUCH EARLIER?? AND WHY DO I ALWAYS LIKE TO SLEEP SO MUCH. Fucking waste of time.

Anyway, to people from Down Under, i love you.

2008-11-04T03:19:00.003+08:00

It's time.

I have not slept for 36hours now. Funny, I don’t feel tired at all -_-

11.30am - Give up trying to sleep

12.30pm - Go to the bank with dad, close the account and pass all money to mom. (trust she will work some magic).

1pm - Klcc for lunch while waiting for Ms ffk queen.

3pm - Damn. Kena ffk liao, why am I not surprise..Anyway, I have a big heart. Syiok sendiri by shopping alone.

515pm - Had coffee (yes, again cos earlier tasted like herbal tea, no?)

5.40pm - Quickly catch a cab seeing it’s gonna rain. No cab wanna take me cos very jam so I offer RM15. I know, I’m stupid right but it’s better than having my precious goods robbed.

6.00pm - Reach home la. The end

*****

Parents ask to see what I’ve bought. Showed them piece by piece and when they ask how much i told them the price that i've mentally discounted 30% off original price la. But dad went and check the price tag anyway. And call me a liar.

Oh, showed them the books from Kino too. Dad asked mom to guess the price and mom replied "30+" Before my dad could say wrong, my mom thinking she cannot be wrong, went on blabbering about how she knows everything, that she always visit the bookstore, yada yada, so both my dad and i just sat there looking at her like she's cuckoo cos the price was actually 70+

I. Super wuuu liao. Night.

2008-10-27T18:22:00.001+08:00

I got by today listening to Jewel.

Was that a hint of smile in her eyes or was that a little spark of anger?

I'd rather see the world from another angle

2008-10-27T12:20:00.001+08:00

Life for Rent

I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I’m not in love
But it’s not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking

While my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
Well how can I say I’m alive?

It’s just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cause nothing I have is truly mine

2008-10-25T17:17:00.002+08:00

Or so i thought

I was asked by Nick, AVP of Casino to write a welcome message for the new employees joining us. And i came up with this which i thought was brilliant:

Dear fellow colleagues,

Aeschylus, the greatest early dramatists once said, "Throughout the centuries there were men who took first steps, down new roads, armed with nothing but their own vision." Our late Founder, the legendary Tan Sri Lim Goh Tong was one of such men.

You may have heard of his inspiring story about how he has turned a remote mountain into today's highly successful Genting Highlands Resort - Malaysia's premiere tourist destination. You may have learnt from this inspirational story of how life's challenges can be turned into great opportunities and the importance of hard work and determination. And in time to come, we promise you will learn more being here with us.

With the establishment of Genting Centre Excellence (GCE), a training centre built to specifically address the training needs of our employees towards attaining better skills we will ensure that each individual will be well developed so that they will be able to progress in their careers and grow with the Company.

We have a unique working environment here at the Resort. This is where we work, play and stay and we need to find a balanced work-life . We believe that having a balanced work-life is important and therefore the Company sees to the needs our employees by providing various entertainments and organising social events and activities for employees to enjoy. These are particularly important as the employees work and live here together as a community.

As you may know, Resorts World Bhd has been enjoying strong business growth over the years - understandably as the Genting brand today is one of the most recognised brands not only in Malaysia but in the world. It is no secret that our success lies greatly on our HR initiatives that centred around the '3R's which is having the Right people, providing the Right motivation and Right environment. We hold true to the saying, "if you take care of your employees, they will take care of your customers," and our recent string of awards won, in particular the World's Leading Casino Resort as awarded by World Travel Awards, are evident proof to it.

So welcome to Genting Highlands Resort, the labour of love of our late Founder that marked us on the world map. You are now a part of the Genting family and your role, very much the same as us, is to provide the best experience to our valued guests that will thus assist us to realise our vision to be the leading leisure and hospitality company in the world. We anticipate, with your presence, we will be able to work hand-in-hand in moving towards greater heights.

Together we will grow from strength to strength.

Apparently not. It came back like this!

You may be aware of the late Tan Sri Lim’s inspiring story about how he has turned a remote mountain into today’s highly successful Genting Highlands Resort – Malaysia’s premiere tourist destination. You may have learnt from this inspirational story of how life’s challenges can be turned into great opportunities and the importance of hard work and determination. And in time to come, we promise you will learn more being here with us.

We have a unique working environment here at the Resort. This is where we work, play and stay and we need to find a balanced work-life. We believe that having a balanced work-life is important and therefore the Company sees to the needs our employees by providing entertainment facilities such as social events and activities for employees to enjoy,

So welcome to Genting Highlands Resort, the labour of love of our late Founder that marked us on the world map. You are now a part of the Genting Family and your role, very much the same as us, is to provide the best experience to our valued guests that will thus assist us to realise our vision to be the leading leisure and hospitality company in the world. We anticipate, with your presence, we will be able to work hand-in-hand in moving towards greater heights.

Together we will grow from strength to strength.

Winnie (duno why still call me winnie though i've explained to him countless time)
I amended your attachment
Overall it was good, however it just needs to be shorter (refer attached)
I have just deleted some paragraphs, remember we are mainly talking to the young ones who may not care about the history
Await your reply
Thanks
Nick

Hi Nick,
I actually had a few points in the message.
To cultivate love for the company by sharing Founder's success, then to show them what the company offers in terms of entertainment and career growth (GCE) and lastly the prospect of our company and what they can do for us to move higher.
Now that it is this short, i kinda feel it has lost its overall meaning and its objective which is to inspire and to make them feel proud that they are now part of the World's Leading Casino Resort. How now brown cow?

Winnie (malas nak correct him already)
I understand your thoughts & that is why I left some info about our founder, however I feel what I sent is more appropriate to the readers (indirectly asking me to shut up already)
Therefore can you tidy what I have amended, we are going to print 100 internally as we have been advised that we have a new batch arriving on the 3 Nov
Following this we will review the booklet
I do appreciate your efforts
Thanks
Nick

Super sien, cos if you put your heart into writing that piece and they come and tell you, oh it's too long, oh they're too young to understand, and you just scrape it off, wat's the point really?

Sigh, but it's ok la. Cos my imaginary boyfriend said it is inspiring but may be lost to the trainees if they are not well read. "Tht said don't change because it sounds sophisiticated which is good."

He is always bias like that.

2008-10-23T17:36:00.015+08:00

The chat with the mother

wtf!?!#*%&)#wtf!?!

My mom is so incoherent!!

2008-10-21T16:03:00.002+08:00

Seems a lifetime ago

Someone said,

"Don't always wake up late. Go to work on time everyday and not only when your VP is around. Be more tidy. Stay healthy. Less drink"

Doesn't he sound just like you?

I remember goodbye
I watched your plane out of sight
Love was over, time to close the book
Still I go back for one last look

2008-10-11T15:16:00.004+08:00

"Look at the way she steals from us"

I couldn't sleep last night, so as usual, i let my thoughts run wild.
I thought about work and then about the meetings we had.
And i thought about, oh why aren't you surprise, Ms Irritant.
Two ranks lower than FunnyCher and i, a rank lower than the others, a fucking big gap in between.
And she thought she fits.

At her level, one would expect her to have at least some respect for others, her seniors perhaps?
None at all.
What pissed me off was during one of the meetings we had, she was trying to take over the section briefing, speaking as loud as FunnyCher, her senior, basically just repeating whatever FunnyCher said. Like she thought that could in someway or another help make her insignificant presence felt by the bosses. Pathetic.
But she thought she fits.

And then my mind wander over to the what-ifs and very quickly imagined my very own version of the situation.

Rewind, I imagined my boss would say "Can i just have ONE person brief me?" *sounding abit agitated*
Having skin as thick as wall and thinking i-am-so-much-better-than-FunnyCher, Ms Irritant continued reporting, completely deluded, to which my boss would stop her and said "Pleeaaasee, i'd like FunnyCher to report and i'd like you to not attend this meeeting anymore in future as this is meant only for managerial level"
And i imagined the rest of us tried to suppress our laughter but failed. *evil*

Aaah, the slap on her face should put her right back in place.
Cos she thought she fits.

Then i realised i was giggling alone on my bed at 3.30 in the morning over this silly twisted version of mine. Gosh.

2008-10-06T16:29:00.003+08:00

I changed by Facebook profile picture and promptly after that, i received a message that reads "Looks Better".

FROM. MY. MOTHER.

And now she wants to add me in MSN messenger, oh god i'mgoingcrazy bye.

2008-09-29T16:22:00.002+08:00

Blood transfusion was never a romantic affair until this

Yet another sleepless night, she picks the book up and starts reading where she had left off. Heart-gripping, her heart palpitates with every word, every scene, every chapter, she almost wished she had donated blood.

She closes the book as soon as she's done reading and sits still in nothing but darkness, in nothing but deep thoughts. Her fingers achingly run through the words printed boldly on the cover and wonders what is it that is tugging at her heart now.

Afraid of coming off too fervent, she stops herself.
But in the quiet night she mouths those words, as if he could see.

Thanks for the memories

2008-09-25T18:27:00.004+08:00

We Care Team on its first mission to an orphanage home.
It was a lot of work (not for me *blek*), fun and sweat, but i guess anything is better than staying in the office.
So many things to carry ok...no no, me no carry heavy stuff, will die.

Me only help pack goodie bags. Hoho.
Remember the good old days of "Musang tangkap Helang" (or watever fuck it's called), Pepsi cola (this game is poooointless. You form a circle and your aim is to step the feet of the person next to you. Children games are violent) many more which i duno the names.
Too long the line, all i did was just stay rooted in the centre because you see, when the front swayed to the left, the back automatically swayed to the right, so centre no need to move lo. Mana tau the musang go straight for the centre -_- Tot he's supposed to catch the last one. Fail!

No, i was not captivated by him like how he has accused me of, i was annoyed having to listen to him talking grandma stories and being bitten by mosquitoes at the same time!

That was it.

Thanks for making this happen!

Out!

2008-09-09T19:03:00.002+08:00

I've had it with people preaching me about what's good and what's not. (except my imaginary boyfriend - yes i have one because i don't have a real one for 3 years. Pathetic?Yes)

There is a very fine line between advising and coming across as demeaning and he just crossed the line. So patronising i almost bite his head off.

I always believe that everyone has their own views on life and i respect that. Everyone is different and that's what makes each individual beautiful in their own ways. His picture of perfection may be of what he perceived and believed but i have my very own picture as well. How can he force his on mine?? And then fucking had the nerve to not talk to me the entire day just because i told him to shut up already.Pui!

Narrow-mindedness and inconsideration are two words that the world can live without.

P/s: My imaginary boyfriend says i'm right and he's wrong.

2008-08-29T16:31:00.004+08:00

What he would never tell you is that in his mind he already has it all worked out
And it doesn't include you

Times like these are never easy. They are never comfortable either especially at night. When you toss and turn in bed, curled up in pain, sleepless, until your blood is soaked heavy with alcohol. But still they need to be dealt with. I need answers and i wish the answer staring me right back wasn't so depressing.

I was saved from my plunge into the depth of emptiness by the same person who is now pushing me back into this empty hollow. And as i pick myself off the ground, i wondered why didn't i see this coming when all these while i knew i'm at the losing end.

You're gone once again. And I have no qualms about being alone. I can't pretend I wasn't dying with everyday that passed but if i could get through the night before, i would be able get through the rest of the day.

I just woke up from a dream,
one of the oldest dreams of all.
I dreamt that i was in love,
the most beautiful love of all.

I dreamt my heart knew no pain
flawless and polished, bearing no stains
I dreamt I was worth no less than the stars
or the sum of all the most expensive cars

I dreamt my love was invincible, safe from harm
I wore its indelible coat of arms
I dreamt that I would live forever
in the highest ranks of the highest favour

I dreamt I would know no other
who could and would not blow our cover
I dreamt of the sun-drenched fields in which we would stand
I dreamt that our love would never end

But
I just woke up from a dream,
one of the oldest dreams of all.
I dreamt that i was in love,
the most beautiful love of all.

2008-08-25T11:38:00.003+08:00

OK LA OK LA!
My brithday was not as sad as how i've wrote about it la. I damn emo right? Hoho

It was super fun actually (some may not like that kind of fun, i apologise) with loads of happy drinks and ice-cream-gone-to-waste and i-don't-remember-anymore -_- Duno why always drink til like that.
My head is ok, and i did not reply msgs and return calls cause i was healing at home. I've been such a bad friend, i know i know.

And while i was away,
Lady Boss enrolled me for RRC Worldwide's Pilot Run,Awana Kijal (without my approval)The things she does in my absence..tsk tsk

Here's the itinerary:

Day 1.

12.00pm
Arrival AKJ
Buffet Lunch @ Kampung Restaurant

2.00pm
Mengadap Sultan at Balai Rong (???)
Briefing on program & safety
Team flag
Distribution of equip.

4.00pm
Start navigating to Paya Base camp (dahlah duno the way around KL what more Jungle)
Pitch tents

7.00pm
Buffet Dinner @ Swamp area (the only thing i look forward to is by the swamp -_-)

9.00pm
Activity 1.
Kg. Lanun Paya Challenge (sure die)

11.00pm
Sleep in tent (Have to emphasise sleep in tent ok)

Day 2.

07.00 am
Buffet Breakfast @ Swamp area (again!)

08.00 am
Trekking to Kg. Lanun Darat
Activity 2 - ATV Challenge

10.00 am
Activity 3 - Kg Lanun Laut
Water Rafting Challenge / Beach Challenge. (sure die also)

12.30 pm
Buffet Lunch @ Waterfall Café

02.00 pm
Activity 3. - Kg Lanun Budaya

04.00 pm
Trek to Bukit Base Camp
Pitch tent and wash up at sea (see or not?might as well don't wash up)

07.00 pm
Dinner @ Nursery Centre (next to obstacle area)
Cooking for the Spirit of Cristal Skull (wtf???)

08.00 pm
Finding the Cristal Skull (Kid me not)

12.00 pm
Sleep in tent

Day 3. (still not finish ok..#%&#@!)

07.00 am
Packed breakfast with drinks at Nursery Centre (next to obstacle area)

08.00 am
Activity 5 - Kg Lanun Tasik

10.00 am
Activity 6 - Kg Lanun Bukit
D’ Obstacles Challenge.

12.00 pm
Wash up at Golf Shower Room and proceed to Balai Rong
Treasure Presentation (Ballroom) & Rewards from Sultan

13.00 pm
Malaysian set lunch at Ballroom / Santapan Di Raja
Discussion for Improvement

The End

Just look at the programmes. Nothing like what i used to do when i was a scout!
I tell you, whoever's in my team will sure lose. For the sake of my team, i will withdraw.

I managed to coax my Junior to attend on my behalf. If i have to pay him my whole month's salary, i would.(die die also must withdraw)

"C,mon la, go la, it'll be fun,considering you're King of Scout"
"So fun you go la" that's what he replied.

Anyway, happy like dog no need to go!! *jumps around in joy*

OK slacker gtg work.

2008-08-22T03:06:00.002+08:00

Ended my birthday party with
a bruised head,
a trip to the clinic
and a bucketful of tears.
Always silly like that.

I cried for my head,
Cried for my precious bracelet,
Cried for my heart and all things bottled up.
Always silly like that.

A year older, none the wiser.

2008-08-08T20:26:00.002+08:00

Last night, before i went to sleep, i made a mental note to myself "10.30 meeting tomorrow, must not be late." i went to bed by 12. The next thing i know, my phone was ringing and by the time i reached for it, it was already a missed call. I promptly look at the time, and goddamn it's 10.17 already?? How? How could i have missed the alarm?? How? I quickly call my colleague," Shit, i am so so late, i just got up!" to which he replied "It's ok, it's ok la.." (I have 13minutes more before meeting and this guy is telling me it's ok, wtf) The thing is, no one actually bother whether i'm in the office or not, what if i died in the room??

I braved myself and called my boss and... told her the truth. I overslept. Surprisingly, she sounded ok. I seriously think if i'm still a kid, my boss would have whacked me with a cane. A hard one, no joke.

And i almost slapped myself on the way to work for having the nerve to still yawn.

2008-08-08T16:09:00.004+08:00

He gave you whatever is left of his heart and you take them all like a little eager child. He offered you his love and then selfishly said "Beware, broken heart ahead." Now the heart breaks too often nowadays, but no comfort, no understanding, not even the slightest hint of sensitivity because hey you idiot, you've heard the warning before haven't you?

He wiped away your tears, so gently but oblivious that he has caused them. He will clear the path, fight haters and lead you to your dream. He will remind you everyday that he loves you too much to ever give you up, but strange that he is now pushing you away, slowly. He said he will hurt to see you happy and ironically you're happiest with him and that hurt him enough to want to leave. Didn't he said he will always be there for you? He is, afterall, your guardian angel.

But you know deep in your heart that he will always be there for you, just not close enough to pick you up when you fall. Perhaps after you bled.

And even if you die tomorrow, you know he will be the last to know.

2008-08-04T17:18:00.004+08:00

Love is strange

When you intentionally search for it, it’s never there. And when you aren’t looking, it presents itself to you, in such unrecognisable form that had you constantly pondering if it is truly love. Because you know love as something innocent and pure and perhaps magical, not something that comes bundled with complications that will hurt you when you’re alone in the dark.

I was troubled by this sms i received two days ago:
"Do you believe in destiny?I believe. I don't know why i love you so much. I wish i'm the one taking care of you. That's just my dream. I tried to get away from you, but my mind keep thinking bout you. Life's fragile nowadays, i don't know till when i stand.(ok, so this part sounds like he has got some fatal disease and he doesn't know just how long more he can live -_-)Just to let you know that whenever you are sad, there's always somebody to care for you so much. I hope you won't feel stress after you saw this msg. I can't hide it anymore. My biggest wish is you can smile happily from your heart. Sorry for disturbing."

This guy had once touched my heart, but just not enough for me to rip my heart out for him. Ask him to define love and he'd said, "the first person you thought of when you're awake and the last person you thought of when you go to bed." How naive? Because the first thing i thought of the moment i open my eyes was "Omg, I'm fucking late again"

It's amazing, the amount of love he still has for me despite having told him straight to his face "the more you try, the more you are gonna annoy me." It didn't register, did it? I'm not heartless you know. I completely feel what he's feeling, but i just chose to ignore it, like i always do. For how else can i react? Do i really have to lose this friend?

And it doens't even help to know that he was crying for hours alone at the club because of me. He just made me feel like i'm the worst person alive. Because the people who saw him crying for hours at the club had immediately concluded that i broke his heart just by that one scene.

Now I recall when i was 6, i shoved this boy's head to the wall on purpose and the poor boy cried in pain. (Don't judge me. I was only six, i thought it'd be fun) When the teacher asked what happen, all fingers pointed at me in unison.

Exactly how i feel now, except this time, it's his heart.

2008-07-11T09:55:00.003+08:00

One afternoon, i am complaining about the confusion of my age, what is expected of me versus what i want myself.

"Have i told you about the tension of opposites?" he says.

The tension of opposites?

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.

"A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.

"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."

So which side wins, I ask.

"Which side wins?" He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.

"Love wins. Love always wins."

-Tuesdays with Morrie-

2008-07-07T17:40:00.002+08:00

I received an email from my lady boss, having reached her boiling point, informing me of the official working hours. See, it starts at 9 in the morning and not 10. Like a new piece of information, i replied *gulps* noted . Just as i clicked Send, i realised i should have apologised as well.

I do wake up every day with that desire to be great, but it's just that I find it easier to go back to sleep. I think there must be a name to this disease. Maybe a cure.

Sorry i disappoint you, i say.
No, you have only betrayed yourself, he says.

And my clerk has been kind.

Boss: she always come in very late is it?
Clerk: Sometimes she's very early wan..
Boss: early also like 10am right?
Clerk: But she go back very late..
Boss: Where got late la..

Damn, my promotion is sailing away.
and here i stand, i feel like i should, wave?

2008-05-30T16:37:00.001+08:00

You know it feels so so good to walk out from that certain place all sober for once. I'm proud of myself and this calls for a celebration tonight >_<
NO no no..must resist evil tots

Anyway, if you have been following, i'm in the midst of refocusing myself and learning to grow up just a tad and be more responsible. *except for the morning part, i still duno how ppl do it, getting up right on time and i tot it would be as easy as shrill, shut, wake up* Maybe i really need 6 alarm clocks.

I have so much i want to write about,feelings mostly, but it's all one jumble and i don't know how to put it in words.

You taste like paradise
I know I’m breathing in
Borrowed heaven

But almighty
I stand alone
I know I’m living in
Borrowed heaven

2008-05-14T15:05:00.001+08:00

So the world turning in my sheets and once again, I cannot sleep .
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.

Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy, does it show?
lose the track that loses me, so here I go.

And so I sent some men to fight, And one came back at dead of night.
said he'd seen my enemy. Said "he looked just like me",
So I set out to cut myself and here I go.

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
Cos I'll just make the same mistake again.

And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises I keep,
and my reflection troubles me, so here I go.

Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street,
Look at the stars. Look at the stars, falling down,
And I wonder where, did I go wrong.

James Blunt

2008-05-14T09:21:00.002+08:00

Stop, rewind, play

This life I am leading is turning out to be such a joke. my lifestyle is annoying me. people are annoying me.

Somehow they made me feel like one of those small vile annoying little creature things you put in a cage or wheel to scurry and watch for hours on end, sometimes even sadistically spinning the wheel extra fast just so they can gleefully watch the little smelly rotten thing lose balance, tumbling and rumbling. I cannot believe I am comparing myself with a filthy animal for a moment.

I do not. I do not want to feel like my insides are rotten as a result of all the forced smiles and "tomorrow will be better's". I want to stop lying to myself. I want to stop, take time, and heal. I want to sort my head out to know where this is headed. I do not want to make any more mistakes than I already have. I want to get rid of this feeling that I am trapped on an abandoned roller coaster going round after round, sharp turn after sharp turn just waiting for my cart to go off track. I just wish I could turn back time and help myself deal better with everything that is making my head hurt today. I just wish I could accept that that sharp pain from my hand is courtesy of the paper cut from that one way ticket to hell that someone was kind enough to buy me, long, long time ago.

So I'm sitting here, angry in my heart for what has happened. But do not think that you have won. It's a dog eat dog world we're in and people always, always prefer the dirtier side of the story. Have it all you want. For I will not stoop to your level.

I never got to say this last night but thanks. For not letting me do this alone, for standing by me and for supporting me always. And most importantly, for helping me to believe that there's always a silver lining with every dark cloud and that there'll be better days.

xoxo

2008-05-12T16:39:00.005+08:00

I was diagnosed with Henoch Schlonein Purpura a week ago and was admitted to SJMC for 2 nights.

It is as

It is as complicated as the name suggests, as I still find it hard to explain what it is actually. Something to do with virus attacking the immune system, blood vessel inflamed causing my legs to have hideous red bumps all over. So I went around telling people “red blood and white blood fighting, red blood lost” I couldn’t walk. Was also worried that I might wake up to find myself crippled for life-_- but refused to see doctor conveniently reassuring myself it’s only an allergy. When the pain did not subside the next day, I had no choice but to limped myself to the clinic. Doctor said “NO NO, NOT ALLERGY, IT”S A BLOOD DISORDER!!” Some part in me just refused to accept it’s more complicated than that and come on, my blood has always been fine ok. So I argued with Dr. -_- “IT IS ALLERGY!! You see, I put on the pants and these horrible dots started appearing!! IT IS THE PANTS!! THE PANTS!!”

*sent off to hospital* -_-

I didn’t inform many except for my family members and those who happened to call. Because the only one person whom I really wanted so much to see was with me and it’s the only thing that matters. =) Hospitalised for the first time in my life, thank God nothing serious (though it has the potential to be) it felt like a mini retreat >_<

2008-05-01T13:13:00.002+08:00

Between You and I

It's only the 1st of May, and i'm already way ahead of the incredible deadlines i've set for myself *beams*

A new chapter, a new me *beams*
(Probably have said this for i-can't-remember-anymore times, but nevermind *beams still*)

2008-03-24T12:07:00.003+08:00

Morning Song

Let the phone ring, let's go back to sleep
Let the world spin outside our door, you're the only one that I wanna see
Tell your boss you're sick, hurry, get back in I'm getting cold
Get over here and warm my hands up, boy, it's you they love to hold

So I never liked morning.

And i sleep through it whenever i have the chance, never really thought i needed that part of time anyway since my brain doesn't seem to want to work in the morning. But something or perhaps someone made me realise yesterday that time is so so so precious no matter day or night, and that i should really savour it and make full use of it. I cringed at the thought of having spent half my life...sleeping.

It's amazing how time seems to crawl, like, just this morning, i was trying so hard to keep awake for the longest time only to find i had withstood no longer than 5 mins. and how sometimes it flies like flying fuck when you're having the best time of your life that had me grasping desperately at it, refusing to sleep, fearing morning light.

Because "we still have time" is nothing but a lie. We don't.

2008-03-23T18:11:00.002+08:00

A night out with Ivan and his 3 friends.

Friend: So do you always smack people which you've only gotten to know for 4 hours?Cause i've never met anyone like that, i'll have to say...

Jia lat! From super hyper to super violent.

2008-03-12T16:50:00.002+08:00

You know you are having Happy, ahem, Hweenee Day when all your toubles go to sleep

sweet, i like it like it like it.

2008-03-09T19:35:00.002+08:00

For the first time i had time to actually call my friends for chit chat, from 7 - 10-ish

I called my cousin (may close up shop and move back to Australia = sob sob for me),
Chun (uhm, called him just to persuade him to stop smoking, haha)
Jessie (gossip)
Charlene (you sounded very secretive la...duno with Alex or Adam or Alephant, lost track)
Michelle (persuade her to change job, Pavilion sucks k, ure 26!!)
Suzie (found out my dad told her dad that i'm smoking and everything else he shouldn't tell -_-")

then called Dad to inform him no allowance for him for disgracing me and he scolded me for waking up late every morning and said "Go buy yourself 6 alarm clocks"

So after hanging up, I imagined myself with 6 alarm clocks. And quickly decided i CAN NOT and WILL NOT have SIX bloody clocks shrilling irritatingly all at once on a quiet morning. I will go cuckoo

2008-03-09T18:16:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, bout 7-ish

Micky: Woman, where are u?
Me: In room. Banned myself from smoking and drinking
Micky: Hahaha! are you serious? i'm looking for drinking kaki
Me: Maybe unban myself from drinking next week. You find other kaki
Micky: Let me know when you lift the self-ban -_-"
Me: Ok. Btw, this self-ban thing adds excitements to this mundane life of mine. You should try
Micky: Mad.....

2008-03-07T22:10:00.002+08:00

I wondered how and why i have become this person i am

I guess when you lost yourself once and wasted all those years being a doormat, you'd hold on tighter to your new found life and the freedom of being able to do whatever makes you happiest without restriction, without having to compromise and without having to care for the people around you.

I remembered i wrote this 2 years back,
"Because after all, people come and go and at the end of the day, its just me.. living for myself, fighting for myself, loving myself"

but all i did within these 2 years was just destroying myself further.
So wrong. So many choices, so many options, yet i've chosen all the wrong ones.
This new found life thing was a lie. because somewhere along the way, i lost myself again

20082008 was just an excuse. the mindless drinking and smoking have got to go starting today.

2008-03-05T15:09:00.001+08:00

of apples and toast and surprises in pretty mug

I want to remember all these, and remember you.

If there's one thing i learnt in life, it's that you are never allowed to stay up in the clouds for too long. Because when i was sitting there in my room eating noodles from the cup, i remember real life. Back on solid ground, and that's when i'll look at all these that you have done and smile and cry over the most beautiful thing that has ever happened in my life.

2008-03-01T14:58:00.000+08:00

wow,

i completely KO last night. Slept bout 8, actually i was trying to tahan abit longer cause worried i might wake up in the middle of the night, bright-eye and all duno what to do but it was almost ten when i got up this morning. failed terribly...i am so not normal. how can one person sleep for more than 8hours!! and still can't hear the alarm??

and instead of asking how i'm feeling having lost my phone, someone asked "so can i delete your number already?"

wahlau..so mean leh. no wonder you have no friends. tsk!

2008-02-28T18:19:00.002+08:00

I hate losing stuff but i'm always misplacing them -_-"

I lost my company phone just the other night at the Executive club. and i'm gonna blame my cousin for this. because, if she hadn't told me she's coming up, i wouldn't have taken leave and if i hadn't taken leave, i wouldn't have stayed so late at the club and waited for her, and if i hadn't stayed that late, i wouldn't have lost my handphone!! obvious right???

text her at 1.30am
Me: Where yoooouuuu!!
cuz: Aiya, on the way la, stomachache ah, shit at gohtong jaya

waited till 3am, she never came lo..masuk jamban dah.
********************

I HOPE THE PERSON WHO STOLE MY PHONE DIES

2008-02-24T18:00:00.000+08:00

What are the chances that one is caught by his/her parents at the very moment he/she light up the cigarette within this HUGE resort?Surely dropping it on the floor is much cleverer than the usual way of stubbing it out and leaving it in the ashtray for my parents to have a better look. I don't know what to do, you see.
As if i don't feel bad enough, my dad went and offered me his pack of Dunhill red. Oh, he was definitely enjoying making fun of me.

Dad: Your bro is going to langkawi this weeekend
Me: uh-huh...
Dad: Maybe you want him to buy you cigs
Me: STOP IT LA!

2008-02-23T14:21:00.002+08:00

Have you ever been called in by your boss because you are fat? well, i just did.
i feel like telling her i'm not fat, just bloated -_-"

oh, bumped into Chye Huat yesterday, he saw me holding my DS and asked what am i playing. I thought Professor Layton sounds a little intellectual for him to believe so i said Cooking Mama. I returned the question, and he gave me a disbelief look "I don't play. it's for my 8-year old daughter"

oooooohhhh.... *slowly edge away*

2008-02-16T15:19:00.002+08:00

an awesome week, it felt like it was never going to end,
and I might lose my mind,
i can, for a moment, completely lose myself in you
oh but wait what's that?
it's the doorbell, and reality and real life are waiting.

2008-02-08T17:56:00.000+08:00

It's chinese new year!!

Used to be very exciting, but now CNY only means lots of lots of work.

And at this age, it's a slight confusing cos i don't know if i should be happy or not to still be eligible to receive angpows. Bumped into bosses around the resort and sort of like forced them to give me angpows >_< Keep repeating "Happy New Year" refusing to let go hand until that fella gave in and finally took out the red packet. Tsk! The things i do for that measly RM5

Try it! You'll be rich.

2008-01-30T18:41:00.000+08:00

Hi,

I always thought BR's rum and raisins is my favourite, until i found out about....Cornetto's tiramissyou. omg sweetness, how can i not buy....u say la. i had one everyday, for name's sake. until i muak already.

But i've been a happy happy girl for the past few days =)

2008-01-24T16:21:00.000+08:00

Attended a perfume launch earlier at our paria plaza, and you would expect door gift to be you know, perfume, miniature perhaps. But no, they gave us chocolates. What is wrong with them?tsk tsk.

My designer was refered by the organisers as "her cameraman"

fine.

Then designer called,
Desginer: When is the event starting?
Me: 3.30
Designer: Then i go makan first
Me: CANNOOOOT!!! IT'S ABOUT TIME ALREADDYY!!!
Designer: Where are you?
Me: Err...Osim, massaging, >_<

i know i know..

Yesterday, i left for work at 9.50am ( i know, very late)
The stupid lift stopped at 3rd floor ok! i think my heart stopped beating also cos nobody else is staying there except my VP lo. But i don't know why she jolted when she saw me,and i was thinking if i should cover face with jacket.

And she did it again!
VP: Are you leaving soon (note: 5pm)
Me: Not so soon
VP: 7?
Me: *that is like too late right!!* errr.....
VP: I need to run over to first world for awhile..
Me: Why dont you bring your keys along..*and gave my sweetest smile*
VP: Hmm, i think i should

ha! gotcha!

2008-01-21T14:48:00.000+08:00

I'm tired to the marrow of my bone. It's getting harder for me to wake up in the morning now, VP or no VP, i don't care anymore. Ok, maybe i shouldn't play DS till 3am.

Just the other day, i planned to go off sharp 5 but VP was still in the meeting. So i text her "Have you got the office keys with you?"

No reply.

And i had to sit in the office and wait for her to come back, it was almost 7.

Today, just before she left for another long meeting, i quickly ask if she has her keys with her.

"I am not bringing my keys! You'll be in the office right?"

errr...eeehhh...

then she walked out.

-_-" very heavy meh the keys...

I've come the the conclusion that this is her strategy to make us stay back in the office.

2008-01-13T20:48:00.000+08:00

So i did something very unenthical today...i took a peek at my P-file(note: P&C)which was lying on my VP's desk >_<
i know i know..but whatever

I found comments by the HR guy who interviewed me and also from my previous boss.

I remembered, from that quick glance,
"Alert. Speak well, straight to the point. Well-mannered (ha-ha), pleasant, good appearance...and duno wat else already.

ha-ha-ha
happy happy!

ciao

2008-01-07T17:03:00.000+08:00

The view from my room. Heaven

No, not my boyfriend

You know sometimes we chose the weirdest place for meeting. This is held at Coffee Terrace Restaurant where we conveniently help ourselves with food from the buffet line.
And yea, my boss got so distracted by the food that the meeting was dragged longer than it should have been. Just look at his tam jiak face!

2008-01-03T16:22:00.000+08:00

This is what i do best (I think so)

I like the boy alot but he had developed this unimaginable hatred against me. All because i accidentally hurt him with my fingernail. Pui.

He finally befriend me again when i had the nintendo. But it was shortlived. Yesterday he turned to this monster again keep saying "I kill you! I kill you! You are monster! You are very ugly!" And he almost threw the cue at me. I stupidly asked "Why yesterday so good boy, today so naughty??" You will never believe what this 9-year old replied, "I cheat you! I betray you!"

I was dumbfounded. All the pretense just to play my nintendo.

Can you believe it??

A 9-year old boy played with my feelings leh!!

Me: Do you really want to make an enemy before you fly back to Kuching??

Boy replied an angry yes

Me: What good is it for you to have an enemy?

Boy: So there's someone for me to fight!

Me: I cannot fight leh! *faints*

Moral of the story: Pls cut your fingernails ok..

2008-01-03T13:55:00.000+08:00

It just feels awkward

I no longer know who you are, I no longer know how you sound like or how your facial expressions are anymore.

having a bad hangover, stupid door lock malfunctioned again, only got to bed at 5. The old me would have slept in and wake up when i feel like it, would have probably taken EL (emergency) or DL(drunk leave) however you look at it. I have changed. For i got to office sharp 9.

Yea, new year, grown a little, a little more disciplined, a little more responsible.

So here's the truth:
My VP has reported to work.

Edit
The hangover was so bad, i crawled to the printing room opposite my office and slept for 2 hours.

And hey, it's not so bad given this situation i'm in, i could still manage to skip happily to the toilet.

I'm okay afterall.

Me: Sleeping in printing room, let me know when VP comes back
2 hours later
Me: Course clear?Can i go back to office now?
Cher: Clear. No one in office.

shit, so much work to do but i just don't feel like doing any at all.
Fuck

2008-01-02T12:00:00.000+08:00

4 in the morning and I was crying.

“Imagine how you’ve always see something in a certain special light and all of a sudden you have to pretend it never existed, normal day with normal circumstances”

“It’s late, please go to sleep” That’s all he could say.

Naïve.

I allow myself to depend on him more than I should have.
That false sense of security vanished. And i felt more alone in the world than i have ever felt my whole life. I tried everything, i tried occupying myself, i tried being a hermit trying to wait it out, but yet i could not accept what apparently had died a while ago. For so many nights, I have been staring at that same name, at all the post-it notes on my wall, the smileys he drew, trying to remember life before but always coming up with nothing. And i tried. I tried to mould my thinking, i tried to rehearse my responses just to try to perhaps affect particular outcomes. If i said something in a particular way would it generate the response i so hoped to receive?

That upper hand. No more.

The truth is, I’m tired. I’m tired of staying strong. Tired of putting up a happy face when inside I’m so torn.
I’m tired of grasping blindly for that security I never had.

And finally let it all falls apart.

2008. Let’s just say I’m afraid.

2008-01-01T14:57:00.000+08:00

This is sooo gonna replace you..

One game..

syiok eh?

2007-12-30T12:07:00.000+08:00

It's wrong

I took a walk and have long forgotten the way home
harsh reality slapped me on the face, convincing me it aint a dream.
i guess i must have misread the risks involved.
maybe it was for the best.
still, i miss you much this morning. like every other morning.

you're my secret lie, so was everything else

2007-12-29T17:29:00.000+08:00

These days

i wake up and tear drops

they pour down like rain

i put on that old song

we listened to and then

i head off to my job

guess not much has changed

punch the clock, head for home

check the phone, just in case

go to bed, dream of you

that's what i'm doing these days

2007-12-25T16:15:00.000+08:00

Contrary to what many believe, i spend X'mas eve in room with KFC-licking good, catching up on the tvb series i've been sooo hoooked on.

Finished, looked at the time

8.50pm

What?? it's not even X'mas yet??

That's when i got a bit restless. itching to go out, but ahem, kept myself busy doing mini jigsaw which got a tad boring soon (it's lilo and stitch and it's not that nice). Read CLEO for a bit and yes!! it was already 12.15am.

Switched off light to sleep *half the mind wondering if i should just quickly go out for some beer*

evil evil mind...

................
An hour or so

Aaarrggghhh, still can't bloody sleep!

Remembered i have this set of Korean series so i happily watch and had crackers and milo.

3am - must sleep, if not late for work again

4am- bloody hell, i'm still so awake.

Merry Christmas. Hope you had a better one than mine

2007-12-15T12:24:00.000+08:00

Oh, ur stupid lighter died.
I'll get you another one. Honestly miss u la. I guess it's because you become cuter
Din know ure so shallow..
shallow, what ever do you mean sweetie
Hehe. u had a bf while in uni right?i remember calling you one night, we talk so long while you were out with ur bf. Remember?
Really?Dun remember. but that bf sucks, bad tempered. am surprised i could still talk to you while out with him.
Why u never dated me?
cos you never went after me?
U never knew it but i did. U had a bf that time
Din know. I know we chatted awhile, and then we just stop talking that much
We did? I thought we were kinda close. Weren't we?
yea, like in the first yr. then duno how we weren't anymore
Maybe i had a gf in 2nd year. Did i ever treat you bad?
NNOOOO! why even ask...crazy...
Cos i did try to go for you. But i knew no chance. U didn't realise?
Would you hv accepted me?
Yea, always tot ure cute
Really??! How stupid of me. Aarggh. How about now?
Haha, it's so different now, been thru so much, enjoy single life.
Tat's sad for me. But i guess it's the best. U agree?
Yea, u want to conquer the world anyway
You can join me
Hate to travel
One last question, do you have a bf now?
Nope, happy being single
Why?you never felt lonely?or mmm horny?haha

-_- .......

no comment lor....

2007-12-06T10:51:00.000+08:00

Beautiful Stranger

I believe alot in you.
i know you have the intelligence so don't let it go to waste.
i want to see you successful.

it suddenly came to a point where i wanted so bad to refocus my life and the choices i made.

2007-11-30T20:38:00.001+08:00

A fengshui master said i should look for a partner who's born in the year of Rabbit (most ideal for lifetime marriage). If not, do not fret, Ram or Boar also can. (this master think i si beh cacat, like i cannot even find one Rabbit at all, give me alternative sumore)
Actually i don't know anyone who's a Rabbit who's still single and available. So i think i'll settle for Ram or Boar.

The Ram i knew had misplaced his heart (yea, heartless guy, poor thing)
And i have a Boar going after me. Now, if only i like this Boar then my life will be complete.
Looks like i'll be looking around for more hottie Rams and cutie Boars.

P/s: Rabbit should be like 7 years older than me right?. Can go die

I have a Guardian Angel. But i know angels aren't suppose to exist.

2007-11-23T16:53:00.000+08:00

These days, i'm enjoying margarita very much.

My cosy corner

My damn pig is smoking *spanks*

Mybed

Hi, I'm Ms Potato

2007-11-22T16:19:00.000+08:00

Coffee, Tea or Me

I had an apple this morning and i tell you i felt so fresh the whole day!Must be a magic apple, tsk.

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

2007-11-18T16:25:00.001+08:00

It's November already, have you any achievement?

Boy, time flies. 2007 is definitely not the most eventful year for me. I feel like i have been late almost everyday and i was drunk most of the nights with countless hungovers. Plus the increasing creadit card bill, which is a tad annoying if you ask me. Come to think of it, who on earth stick to their resolutions??

So yea, i wasted another year.

There are probably only 3 things i'm proud of:
1. My promotion
2. The publication of Berita Genting (i know it sounds uurgh, but whatever)
3. Listed as one of the 30-ish Top Performers (u'd think they increase your pay or bonus or some shit like that but no, you only get a stressful appreciation lunch with the big boss)

and i casually told him, "I was just thinking, u know that maybe i will fall sick on that day..."
"DO that and i won't talk to you anymore"

You see what i mean about being stressful?

2007-11-17T17:15:00.000+08:00

For everything i just couldn't do

you know how you expect something from yourself, then you find out you fell short of it and inside you're crumbling, but you just smile and say "it was nothing."

the only thing i feel so passionately about is slipping out of my grasp.
just the thought of having nothing left scared me to the extent of pushing myself harder.
for i do not want to lose that bit of passion i still have.

2007-11-14T18:02:00.000+08:00

Michael Buble - Lost
damn good

I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I only knew
Days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late

'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said, babe, you're not lost

Everything

2007-11-13T18:13:00.000+08:00

I woke up feeling good in the guts and good in the heart. The weather really do wonders to the soul because i have this silly grin plastered on my face as i walked to work bobbing my head along to Michael Buble's Everything. It's a lovely day at the hill.

Oh and i would like to stress again that my daddy is oh so cute:
Pls remember to bring back a copy of Berita Genting because i want to edit what you have edited
so cute, can die...

And you play it coy,
but it's kinda cute

2007-11-09T14:18:00.000+08:00

From crying too much

"So what if you are pretty and smart and watever?You just don't know when or how to stop. Such a waste and so sad"

These words keep ringing in my ears.
and it won't go away.
a constant reminder of what a disappointment i am to everyone
and myself. how did one get the way they are?
i refresh what i was before. those path that seems so far now

and now i am lost, hiding behind all my hopes and dream away. this is the part of life where i feel so fucking useless

believe me once more when i say i am trying. cause i know i can't get any more wrong.

2007-11-04T14:21:00.000+08:00

I didn't fall this time, i just walked straight into the glass door and for a moment i thought i had broken my nose. It was that painful.

"Ure cute like that"
"Cute when i'm drunk?"
"No, cute in trying to be good"

2007-11-01T19:15:00.000+08:00

I MISSED WORK TODAY CAUSE I DRANK TOO MUCH THE NIGHT BEFORE

"sounds like a very late nite for you last nite, and you probably drank too much and struggled to wake up again..If I am wrong I apologise, if I am right then you need to change your habits immediately if you want to make something of your life if not you will be another ** and **
And trust me, ** is not as innocent as you think, she is not going to Awana everyday for nothing k! Sorry to say all this abt your frens again I like to be proven wrong
Think about this. Make something of your life, contrary to your belief 25 is not that young anymore k! Sorry for the lecture"

contrary to my belief, maybe i really duno wat i'm doing with my life.
but thanks for the slap in the face, i really need to realise that i'm wasting my youth away

"Tats what I like about you
You are sensible in this respect, if only you can carry it through to putting it in practice, you will achieve your ambition of becoming an AVP by 35.
Just like you to maximise your potential ok. I believe you ve good potential but you must work to maximise it ok lil one"

"You are really a good lil one ok"

I'd like to believe that, but i know i'm anything but good

2007-10-22T11:26:00.000+08:00

Things I don't say

Yesterday was spent waiting, waiting for something sooo indefinite. my heart was burning with anxiety, i am silly like that. and then it finally came when you least expected it, but no, my heart did not explode with relieve and joy like expected. It left me more confused. I wonder why. Just as I was settling into a rather comfortable routine, I found myself double-thinking everything. Words of promise, all the hopes and expectations... No one really lives up to them. Why bother in the first place, when deep down you know you'll disappoint? I know very well that it'll hurt more in time to come, but i thought i was stronger than that.

So i was off for one week. Spent a day up here to finish unfinished work, let's just say i don't trust my designer. And then spent another day here because it was too late to go downhill as the sun has already set the moment i woke up. Finally arrived KL the very next day and headed straight to Snips to fix my hair (Did i tell you i was balding?Yea, scared the shit outta me and cut my hair short. Well, a little) Visited Pavilion later, i thought it's a nice place though someone did comment it was not that friendly, but still, it is spacious and new and grand and yadayada. Had dinner at Michaelangelo's with Suzie where we ordered a bottle of red and wine&dine the night away, alot of catching up on missed opportunity.

Was supposed to return on Sunday evening but had a row with mom on Sat and decided to just pack and leave. She finally stopped shouting when i thrusted her money (whatever i still have in my purse) and dad was also giving me the where-is-my-share look. All these sickened me to know that money can really resolve anything, even if it's family. Well get this straight my loved ones, I HAVE NONE NOW, not in my purse not in my account(hide piggy). and i'll be extremely grateful if you would offer to pay off my credit card bills.

have i always subconsciouly wanted to be away from home?

And i think i think too much. Sometimes you get so caught up with what are constant reminders around you that you seem to be lost in a world of nothing but yourself. Your anger and frustration mounts to what will be nothing, but you don't know. But when something cold, and something real comes and smacks you at the back of your head, when you actually see real people feeling real pain, thats when you know you've been so fucking juvenile

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell